A Crisis

Well for all my self-congratulation about not smoking weed, I smoked some weed last night, ate some Skittles, watched The Americans. I slept fine, I got up early. I felt no groggier than normal. I may have had more coffee than usual, but I'm not too worried about that. My only regret and slight concern is that I now have weed in the house and I don't want to get into the habit of smoking it until it's gone.

So I'm going to use this blog as way of holding myself accountable. That's part of its function anyway when it comes to drink.

To be honest a part of me thinks that I got the weed as a way of testing the efficacy of this blog. I want to be able to look back on posts where I have stated in a resolute and courageous manner that I will not be drinking, and to do so with pride and a sense of achievement.

So, what can I say here to keep myself on track? I don't think a big statement of regret and determination will do it. That would be the kind of totemic gesture that I don't find helpful.

I can say this though: I am determined to be healthier than I have been, to be present for my child, to read, learn a bit of piano, possibly swing a kettle bell now and again. Not to enter a stoned slump, in other words.

All this is positive stuff, and manageable, I think. I never feel a craving to smoke; it's more a thing to do when I am lonely or bored. The difficulty is that I get lonely and bored quite easily.

That's something I'm going to address tomorrow. I have an idea for a post with a cute punchline.