Slow motion car crash

Well if I needed to be reminded that starting a blog is a not a guaranteed cure for alcoholism, I have got one.

Having posted about my lack of desire for a beer yesterday, I had a beer. Here's what happened: I went to get ingredients for a stew. I often get a small bottle of red wine to make Bolognaise sauce, or a small bottle of white wine to make cheese sauce, or a bottle of beer to put in a stew.

At good times, I take pleasure in taking a very small taste of the booze, then going ugh! and putting the rest into the food. When I do this I take real pleasure in emptying the bottle into the food. It's an positive pleasure not to drink it, not to want to drink it. It feels like freedom and control all in one.

At bad times I buy a full bottle, drink about half of it and put the rest in the food. Or maybe I drink two thirds.

Yesterday my beer purchases give a good illustration of my state of mind: one strong beer for the stew, one non-alcoholic beer for me. And then a second strong beer. The only possible reason to get the second alcoholic beer was to drink it, which makes the purchase of the AF beer seem like a kind of a smokescreen.

Anyway, no real harm done. I'm still glad to have this blog to help keep myself accountable. And part of me thinks that if I ever try to get readers for it (which I should because I have paid money to fuckig Wix) then this early instance of real-time alcoholic failure may lend some drama to an otherwise dull piece of work. For the audience that is me, then I want to say that a slight hiccup and a swift renewal of my commitment not to drink is OK, as long as I undestant that this is not a license to be complacent.

If I can take a lesson from the day before yesterday, and from yesterday, and act on those before I descend into self-loathing, madness, and the wrong kind of shame, we'll be OK.

Should I count days? That's something I may come back to tomorrow. In the meantime I quite like this clip, although I'm not sure it is useful for me.

I have the AF beer beside me now. It's pretty good. [NOTE TO SELF: GET SPONSORSHIP FROM BROUWERIJ DE HOORN...]